As You Like It, INC
by Keeper Write
Summary: A modern adaptation of Act I of Shakespeare's As You Like It. Set in an office setting, Orlando is an unpaid intern and a glorified janitor, while Oliver is the CEO under Freddy, the Big Boss. Rose and Celia, well, not even T-Stone knows what they do in the office. Everything gets interesting when the annual fundraiser rolls around. [Only an adaptation of Act I]
1. Act I, Scene i

[Office backroom backdrop. Enter Orlando, cleaning]

ORLANDO

Why did Dad trust Oliver more than me? I can't believe I was actually excited when he said I could do an internship. He forgot to mention the unpaid part! If I had been given actual work to do then maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but Oliver, the great CEO- all he lets me do is sweep the floor! God, I'm so angry all the time! He says I have my father's temper, which is probably true. I won't stand for his abuse any longer… but I haven't figured out how I'm going to stand up to him just yet.

OLIVER (Enter while texting, looks up and notices Orlando)

Hey, slacking off again? The front lobby needs to be swept, what are you doing back here in the file room?

ORLANDO

Nothing. I've never been taught how to do anything.

OLIVER

Not even how to clean, it would seem. Very well, why are you hiding back here?

ORLANDO

I'm simply helping you hide away the best thing that happened to this family— Me! And my potential—by having me sweep the floors of the company our dad built!

OLIVER

Um… okay? I think you need to clear your head. Go take a lunch break.

ORLANDO

Should I tend your dogs and eat kibble with them? Have I stooped this low?

OLIVER

I don't like your tone, little brother. Don't you know who you are talking to?

ORLANDO

Of course I do, how could I forget? I know you're my oldest brother, so by the unwritten rules of family I should respect you… all I'm asking from you is to show a little respect in return, I am your brother after all. I am as much our father as you…yet I must admit "you're closer to him" and therefore "matter more" all just because you're older!

OLIVER [shoving ORLANDO lightly]

How dare you!

ORLANDO [grabbing OLIVER much more aggressively]

Oh, Come on, big brother, what do you know about fighting?

OLIVER

How dare you touch me! What are you, some son of a street rat?

ORLANDO

Did you just say our dad's sons are street rats? You just insulted yourself, brother, if you think about it.

OLIVER

Let go of me, Orlando.

ORLANDO

Not until you listen to me. Dad's dying wish was for you to give me a good education and yet you force me to sweep floors for nothing! You're raising me as if don't deserve to move up in life! I won't take this any more, either give me the freedom to choose my own life or give me my share of the inheritance father left us.

OLIVER

If you want your freedom so badly, just take it! But think about what will happen after you've spent all your money. Go away Orlando, this conversation is over. I'll think about what you've said, but for now just leave me alone.

ORLANDO

Fine, I won't bother you any more than I have to.

[EXIT ORLANDO]

* * *

[Office backdrop, Oliver is on stage when CHARLES enters]

Good morning, sir.

OLIVER

Charles! Come on in. Tell me, what's the latest news?

CHARLES

No news but the old news: The old founder of our sister company, Senior, has been forced to "retire" by his younger brother, Freddy, and a few of the higher ups were left with no choice- walk out with him willingly or be fired. He seized their assets and took the title of the Big Boss for his own, so Freddy's doing better than ever.

OLIVER

What about Senior's daughter? Did they make Rosalind leave with him?

CHARLES

Oh, no. Freddy's daughter, Celia is super close with Rosalind. I bet she'd have walked out if Rosalind was forced to leave, so she's stayed and Freddy seems to love her like his own.

OLIVER

Oh, that's good news, I always liked those girls. So, do you plan to wrestle in front of the new Big Boss tomorrow for the annual fundraiser? I've heard you win every year and always knock out your opponents.

CHARLES

Of course, sir, though I've been told that your little brother Orlando plans to fight me. Your brother is young and inexperienced, and because we've been friends for so long, I'll get straight to the point, if you want me to let him win, it'll cost you.

OLIVER

Thank you for your honesty Charles. I promise you'll be rewarded for it. I've heard you have a reputation for breaking bones. Whether it's his finger, or his neck- doesn't matter to me. I'm not allowed to say I hate him out loud, but if he were to… get hurt... you might find an early Christmas bonus on your desk the next day.

CHARLES

I'm glad to hear it. If he shows up tomorrow, I won't hold back. There's no chance of him leaving the fight unscathed. If he somehow does, I'll retire from fixing fights for good.

OLIVER

Take care, Charles. [Charles exits]

I hope he gets what's coming to him-I hate nothing as much as I hate him. He's too smart for his own good, and everyone seems to love him more than they hate me. (Oliver Exits]


	2. Act I, Scene ii

[Text messages appear on projector as actors speak]

CELIA [Enters right]

Rose, can u, like, plz cheer up a bit?

ROSALIND [Enters left]

Me? I'm always happy! Tho if u can teach me how 2 be happy about my dad's displacement then by all means lemme know! :/

CELIA

Damn, will u get over yourself already? rollin eyes If I was in ur shoes, I'd love ur dad as my own and be happy so long as I still had you. Don't u love me? If u did, u'd do the same.

ROSALIND

Well, by all means I'll just forget all of my problems just to focus on how happy you are :/

CELIA (multiple texts)

U kno I'm an only child

My dad's not gonna have any more kids

& when he dies, u will inherit his fortune w me

bc whatever he stole from ur dad, I'm gonna return to u.

I cross my heart and swear to god, I will, and if I ever break my promise let me turn into an old hag. So please, my sweet Rose, my dear Rose, be happy.

ROSALIND

:*

I will, and I'll think of a distraction to keep us entertained.

Meet me at Starbucks for lunch?

CELIA

On my way! Just give me a few minutes.

* * *

[Starbucks backdrop]

ROSALIND

Jesus what took you so long? [touchstone enters from left, eavesdropping]

CELIA

Sorry, I was stuck in traffic - [Rosalind looks skeptical, says "Mmm-hmm"]-_**for** **realzies!**_ [touchstone overhears this and scoffs, miming "for realizes" and rolling his eyes]

ROSALIND

Did you just say _**for realzies**_? Are you kidding?

CELIA

Oh, shut it. Where did we leave off?

ROSALIND

Let me see— Oh! Something juicy… what do you think about falling in love?

CELIA

[gagging] Yes, by all means be my guest and find a man. But please only pretend to do so, so we can have a good laugh about it. Never let yourself fall in love for real, and never let a relationship go too far. Remember, girl, you better watch out— guys only want that one thing.

ROSALIND

What thing?

CELIA

_That_ thing. [Rosalind looks confused] That thing that would jeopardize your "honour."

ROSALIND

I don't get it. Well, what should we do for fun instead?

CELIA

Let's make fun of fortune, shall we? She's sick and twisted, always making people with ugly personalities beautiful on the outside.

ROSALIND

Fortune as in luck, or fortune as in money?

CELIA

Yes.

ROSALIND

Uh… Either way, I don't agree. People are born ugly or pretty by nature, and it's fortune or lack thereof that determines how rotten or virtuous they turn out to be.

[Touchstone reveals himself]

CELIA

I'm not so sure, haven't you seen old pictures of the Kardashians? Yikes. Nature gives us the common sense to recognize the irony of fortune, and [touchstone tries to interrupt] fortune's sent this dumbass to cut us off.

TOUCHSTONE

Hello princesses, you have been summoned by Freddy.

CELIA

_Princesses_? Oh, I like you. Have you been promoted to a messenger?

TOUCHSTONE

Nah, _**for realzies**_, they just told me to come get you.

ROSALIND

"_**For realzies**_"?! Where the hell did you learn that?

TOUCHSTONE

I overheard some big shot in line say it. He swore "_for realzies_" that the caramel macchiato was good, and that the green tea frappe was not. But of course the jackass was lying, the green tea frappe was good and the caramel macchiato was not.

CELIA

Prove it!

ROSALIND

Yes, please; unleash your wisdom upon us, o wise and mighty touchstone!

TOUCHSTONE

Cross your hearts and swear by your moustaches that I am a bastard.

CELIA

By our moustaches (if we had them), you're a bastard.

TOUCHSTONE

And I swear by my bastardry (if I had any) that I am. But you can't swear by what you don't have—and this guy had no honor, or if he did, he swore it off before he ever saw that caramel macchiato and that green tea frappe.

CELIA

What guy are you even talking about? Do we know him?

TOUCHSTONE

Some dude that Freddy, your dad, loves. I'm gonna subtweet about it.

CELIA

If he has my dad's love, then that's enough honor for me. Enough of this. No more talk about my father, you fool, you'll be fired for slander one of these days.

TOUCHSTONE

I resent that! Slander is spoken, a tweet is libel. It's a pity that fools aren't allowed to speak wisely about the foolish things that wise men do.

CELIA

Oh jeez, here comes Monsieur Le Beau.

ROSALIND

He looks like he's been watching Fox News again.

CELIA

Which he'll try to shove down our throats, no doubt. Hello, Monsieur Le Beau. What's the news?

LE BEAU [Enters]

Madams, you've missed some good sport.

TOUCHSTONE

HA! Madams? Hardly! What is that you two actually do at the company, again?

CELIA

Shut up Touchstone! Sport? Of what color? [touchstone snickers]

LE BEAU

What color, madam? I-I'm not sure I understand

ROSALIND

Answer however your nature and fortune will allow.

LE BEAU

I am confused… I just came to tell you about the wrestling fundraiser, the first match started already and you're missing out. The next one will be here.

CELIA

What? Right here in this Starbucks?

ROSALIND

Tell us about the match!

LE BEAU

Not inside this Starbucks, but close by. I can tell you how it started… and if that interests you then you can watch the finale- the best has yet to come.

CELIA

Well, what's the point in that? We've already missed the beginning; it's dead and buried.

LE BEAU

There came an old man with his three sons—

CELIA

It sounds like the beginning of a fan fiction. On a dark and stormy night…!

LE BEAU

Three proper young men, all incredibly handsome and oozing with swag, the eldest of the three brothers wrestled with Charles, Frederick's right hand man.

ROSALIND

Right, and their plot armour was so strong, they couldn't lose a fight?

LE BEAU

Charles threw the brother over his head and broke three of his ribs-

CELIA

What, did you stop the match to count them?

LE BEAU

He's in a critical condition! Charles did the same to the second brother, and the third. They're lying over there on the stretchers, and the poor old man, their father, cries like a baby that the whole audience has joined him in grieving.

ROSALIND

Grieving? Jesus… Some fundraiser…

TOUCHSTONE

But tell me, monsieur—what sport are the ladies missing?

LE BEAU

Why, the one I just told you about?

TOUCHSTONE

Men must be getting wiser every day; that's the first time I've heard that rib-breaking was appropriate entertainment for princesses.

CELIA

Too true, Touchstone.

ROSALIND

Oh shut up, I want to see the infamous Charles in action! God, can you even imagine hearing the sound of ribs breaking? Oh, we have to watch the next match guys!

TOUCHSTONE

See what you've done now, Monsieur Le Beau?

LE BEAU

If you want to watch the match, just stay put. The place they're scheduled to wrestle is just next door, and they're ready to go.

CELIA

Come on, then, let's go get some good seats. [All exit]

* * *

[WWE wrestling match backdrop]

DUKE FREDERICK [Enters left, Orlando enters right]

Can no one convince the kid to back out? Does he have a death wish?

[Rosalind and Celia Enter left]

ROSALIND

Is that the man?

CELIA

Man? The boy, you mean. He's so young, he doesn't even have a beard!

ROSALIND

I think I see some peach fuzz… oh wait, that might just be sweat from nerves.

DUKE FREDERICK

Is that my daughter and niece? Have you two snuck here to watch the wrestling?

ROSALIND

Yes, Uncle Freddy, with your permission.

CELIA

Or without.

DUKE FREDERICK

You probably won't enjoy it. This kid's got no chance. I've tried to dissuade him from fighting, but he won't listen. [To Celia] Talk to him, princess. See if you can persuade him.

[Duke exits]

CELIA

Yoo-hoo, little boy!

ROSALIND

Young man, did you really challenge Charles to a fight?

ORLANDO

No, lovely ladies. He is the challenger. I have only come in—like the others have—to try to fight him with the strength of my youth.

CELIA

Oh, come on, kid! You've seen how ruthless Charles is in the ring. We beg you, for your own sake, to think of your safety and forfeit. If not for yourself, think of your friends and family who would be devastated if you died here today.

ROSALIND

Please, young sir. We'll make sure your reputation isn't hurt; we'll take it upon ourselves to argue with Freddy that the match should be called off.

ORLANDO

Please don't patronize me— this is for charity, remember? But I guess if I dared to deny anything from such beautiful ladies, I deserve to be patronized. Wish me luck, won't you? I've got nothing to lose. If I die, I die willingly. I don't have any friends or family who care enough to mourn for me. If I lose and die, it might be for the best.

ROSALIND

I wish I could give you the little strength that I have.

CELIA

Mine too, to join hers.

ROSALIND

Good luck. I hope I'm wrong about the odds not being in your favour.

CELIA

I hope you get what you want.

[Rosalind and Celia move to the outskirts of stage]

DUKE FREDERICK [Enter with Charles, play John Cena theme song]

Ladies and gentlemen, the final match is about to begin! In this corner, the 5 time reigning heavy weight champion, weighing in at 250 pounds, never before defeated— the massive, the muscular, the BEAST— Charles the wrestler!

And in this corner— Ori—Iago?

ORLANDO

My name is Orlando!

CHARLES

Come on, where's the brave young man who's so eager to sleep with the fishes?

ORLANDO

Right here, buddy. I'm not afraid of dying, but I won't make it easy for you.

DUKE FREDERICK

You get only one chance.

CHARLES

Trust me Freddy, he won't be up for a second round.

ORLANDO

Wait until the match is over to insult me, old man!

ROSALIND

Focus! Hone the spirit of John Cena!

CELIA

I wish I were invisible, so I could grab that strong guy by the arm.

[Play music: Eminem, Lose Yourself. They thumb wrestle]

ROSALIND

Oh, what an excellent young man!

[Orlando wins, Charles clutches his thumb in pain.]

DUKE FREDERICK

Alright alright that's enough

ORLANDO

Oh, come on, Freddy—I could do this all day.

DUKE FREDERICK

How are you doing, Charles?

LE BEAU

He can't speak, Freddy. He's out cold.

DUKE FREDERICK

Carry him away. What's your full name, kid?

ORLANDO

Orlando, the youngest son of Sir Rowland de Boys.

DUKE FREDERICK

Really? I mean come on! Couldn't you have given me literally any other name? Your father was my mortal enemy! I would've been happier if you had literally any other name. Well, I guess you did win. Though it pains me to say it, you are kind of brave.

[Exit duke fred and le beau]

* * *

[Office cubicles backdrop]

ORLANDO [sweeping]

I'm proud to be Rowland's son—his youngest son—and I would never change that, not even to be Freddy's adopted heir.

ROSALIND [to celia]

My dad loved Mr. Rowland like he was a brother, and so did everyone else. If I had known this young man was his son, I would have tried harder to convince him not to fight.

CELIA

Rose, let's congratulate him. My dad's behavior is like a knife through my heart. [to ORLANDO] hey kid, you fought well. If you live up to your potential in love as well, your wife will be a very happy woman.

ROSALIND

[giving him a cheap beaded party necklace] Orlando! Wear this for me. I'm a woman without much fortune, but I'd give it all to you.

[Orlando is speechless]

CELIA

Well.. good bye!

[They walk away towards the door]

ORLANDO

[to himself] Idiot! Can't I even say "thank you"? Did Charles knock my brains out during the match?

ROSALIND

I think he's calling us back. What luck! I'll ask him what he wants.—Did you call us, sir? Sir, you wrestled well and [clutching her heart] conquered more than just your enemies.

[Orlando still speechless]

CELIA

Shall we go, Rose?

ROSALIND

I'm coming. Bye! [They exit]

ORLANDO

I'm speechless. Oh, poor Orlando, you've got it bad. [Exit]


	3. Act I, Scene iii

[Boardroom backdrop: "Duke Senior" is written in professional text and crossed out with crayon, the words "Freddy, INC." are written, also in crayon, above]

[Celia and Rosalind enter]

CELIA

Rose, speak to me! Tell me what's wrong.

ROSALIND

I think I'm in love with Orlando

CELIA

You love-struck fool. Have you really fallen in love with him so quickly? You've only just met him.

ROSALIND

My Dad was close with his.

CELIA

Does that mean you have to love his son? By that kind of logic, I should hate Orlando, since my father hated his father.

ROSALIND

No, please don't hate him—for my sake.

CELIA

Why shouldn't I? Why does he deserve anything but my indifference?

ROSALIND

You don't have to, but let me love him because he deserves it, and you can love him because I do. Look, here comes your father.

[Duke enters]

CELIA

He looks angry.

DUKE FREDERICK [Enter touchstone who doodles/graffitis the board in the background: "Touchstone Rulez")

I need you to collect your things and get out of this building as soon as you can.

ROSALIND

Me, uncle?

DUKE FREDERICK

You, niece. You've got one hour, if you're found within twenty feet of the building, you might "disappear".

ROSALIND

Please, Uncle, what have I done wrong? I've never done anything wrong to you.

DUKE FREDERICK

Your defensive tone is proof enough of your guilt. I don't need any other reason to fire you.

ROSALIND

You can't fire me for nothing, I'm unionized. Unionized, I say!

DUKE FREDERICK

You are your father's daughter. That's reason enough.

ROSALIND

I was still his daughter when you took my father's position. I was still his daughter when you forced him to "retire". So I beg you, think this over.

CELIA

Dear father, will you hear what I have to say?

DUKE FREDERICK

Yes, Celia, we kept her here for your sake. Otherwise, she would have been forced to leave with her father.

CELIA

You let her stay, it was your choice! If she goes, I go. We are inseparable.

DUKE FREDERICK

You fool. Don't you get it? She outshines you in every sense. She's robbing you of the attention you deserve. You will look so much better once she's out of the picture. So be quiet. I'm not going to change my mind no matter what you say. She must leave the city.

CELIA

Then lay that sentence on me too, Dad. I can't live without her.

DUKE FREDERICK

What? No! Don't be stupid.—You, niece, prepare to leave the city. I swear to god, if you don't get out before the day ends, you'll be killed.

[Duke exits]

CELIA

Oh, my poor Rose, where will you go? Do you want to exchange fathers? I'll give you mine. I insist, don't be more upset than I am.

ROSALIND

I have more reason to be upset.

CELIA

No you don't, cousin. Please, be cheerful. Don't you realize my father is banishing me too? Oh, his own daughter!

ROSALIND

What?! Cheerful? How can I be cheerful? And come on Celia, don't be stupid- I'm being forced to leave, not you.

CELIA

Oh? I'm not the one being stupid. Did you not hear that epic speech I just gave? I said we're inseparable and I meant it. My dad can find someone else to take over the company, we're leaving together. So, now that we've got that straightened out, let's make a plan. Don't even think about leaving on your own, we're going together no matter what.

ROSALIND

But where will we go?

CELIA

Duh- To the city of Arden, to find your Dad.

ROSALIND

But we have to walk through the outskirts of town to get there, It's too dangerous for us! I've never even travelled past Granville street! We're just two young; really pretty girls, and on the path to the city of Arden, what about all the creeps and thugs?

CELIA

I'll dress up like a working class woman by wearing an Adidas tracksuit (ew). You do the same, and we'll be able to travel without attracting any attention.

ROSALIND

Maybe I should dress like a man? I could get away with it since I'm so tall. I'll carry a fake gun in my waistband, hold a swiss blade in my hands, and hide my feminine heart under a Northface jacket. We'll just pretend to look cool. You know like how guys always do, when they're actually really scared.

CELIA

What should I call you when you're a man?

ROSALIND

I need a really manly name to compensate. How about Ru Paul? [Celia shakes her head furiously] No? Okay, Ganymede, then! And what will you be called?

CELIA

I think Aliena is a fitting name for my situation.

ROSALIND

Ok Aliena! Should we bring Touchstone [Touchstone pops up and startles them) with us?

CELIA

Of course he will, just leave it to me to convince him. Let's pack up everything we've got and figure out the fastest and safest way to Arden without being spotted by my father's people. Now, let's go! Not to exile, but to freedom!

* * *

A/N: This was just a little script for an English project in school, I only adapted the first act and I won't be adding any more. Feel free to use it for your own school projects if you'd like.


End file.
